Finding a Spouse (The Right & Wrong Perspective) | Victor Tey

Preached by Victor Tey

Definition and Purpose (01:02)

  1. Dating vs Courtship?
    1. Most people think dating is what the world does and courtship is what christians do.
    2. Not really important which word you use, as long as you have the right practices.
    3. A lot has been preached/written on dating and rightly so because who you marry is a very important decision.
    4. It also means there are a lot of differing view/philosophies out there, most of which are not biblical.
  2. What do I mean by dating?
    1. Getting to know a person specifically for the purpose of marriage
    2. This means you are ready to marry and you are finding a life partner
  3. Right Perspective
    1. Romans 12:2 – renewing of your mind
      1. We need to reset our pre-conceived ideas
      2. External change begins with internal change
      3. Matthew 23:26 – …cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also
    2. The bible doesn’t specifically address dating. (07:18)
      1. It shouldn’t be any different to any relationship between any single man and woman besides talking points.
      2. Means a lot of positions and rules around dating are man’s opinions.
      3. Whilst not always bad it does mean we need to be careful what we are and are not dogmatic about if it’s not mentioned in God’s word.
      4. There are not multiple relationship statuses like on Facebook.
        1. Single
        2. In a Relationship
        3. It’s Complicated – against nature?
        4. Married
      5. There are only 2 in God’s eyes.
        1. “…man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife”
    3. A bit like the concept of a ‘teenager’, not found in the bible, there is ‘child’ and ‘man’.
      1. 1 Corinthians 13:11 – …when I became a man I put away childish things
      2. Teenager is not an excuse for an adult to be:
        1. disrespectful
        2. lazy
        3. irresponsible
        4. dirty
        5. rebellious
      3. We as parents should not accept this sort of behaviour from our children or young adults.
      4. “They’re just being children” – Proverbs 22:15
        1. allow desirable behaviours
        2. spank and drive out sinful behaviours
  4. This sermon topic is for everyone (1 Timothy 3:16). (14:36)
    1. “Why is Victor preaching on this on a Sunday morning? Doesn’t he know there are married people here?”
    2. Don’t tune out just because you think this sermon is not your current situation.
    3. You may not be in the dating phase of your life, but one day you will either come across someone who wants advice or people may want to know what God’s opinion is of the current dating culture.
    4. eg. parents who just think that young people just grow up, get boyfriends/girlfriends and that’s just a normal part of life. No it’s not.
    5. Maybe young people would have avoided the pitfalls of fornication when they asked their parents about dating and their parents took the time to listen to sermons like this one in church so they could counsel their children instead of leaving it up to the bishop or the sunday school teacher.
    6. Proverbs 4:7 – Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding

Unbiblical Dating (Relationships That Emulate Marriage) – 4 Problems with the practice of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ or ‘de facto’ relationships

  1. Not biblical – either fornication or pointless (eg. in primary school) (17:10)
  2. Doesn’t excuse fornication and inappropriate touching (22:19)
    1. eg. hugging, holding hands, kissing, caressing, sitting close together
    2. Why are you stealing this person’s purity from their future spouse?
    3. Why are you stealing the blessings from yourself?
    4. Nothing wrong with desiring these things – get married!
    5. One of the best things about marriage is the removal of guilt. Because your consciences knows what you’re doing is questionable, but when you’re married it is honoured by God. (24:34)
      1. When unmarried couples are close people cringe, when a married couple kiss, people rejoice! (eg. at weddings with the glass chinking) (25:43)
      2. Picture of works, filthy rags prior to salvation, beautiful thing after salvation
      3. Isaiah 64:6 – filthy rags
      4. Psalms 132:9 – priests clothed with righteousness
      5. Revelation 19:7-8 – fine linen is the righteousness of saints
  3. Doesn’t transfer the authority over the woman (27:46)
    1. A girl does not need to obey her boyfriend –
    2. She doesn’t need to learn to submit to another man, she needs to learn to submit to her father
    3. It’s easy to submit to a man you’re ‘in love’ with, not a man whom God has put over you that you may not respect as much.
    4. One day your husband may be like your father in your eyes
    5. Submit because you are obeying God, not because you are ‘in love’
  4. No commitment or covenant (30:36)
    1. You can reserve yourself for one person but it shouldn’t change how you behave. You should just be closer friends but not intimate.
    2. I don’t think it is wise to commit to one person if they are not ready/willing to marry you. And if you do, it’s even less of a reason to marry you sooner – “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”.
    3. “try before you buy” – a woman is a soul not a car!
    4. Doesn’t make sense to trial each other, a good marriage doesn’t “just happen” automatically. Good past doesn’t equal good future. Delaying marriage just leads to increased chances of fornication. You wasted the first exciting moments together unmarried and. If you were doing wrong thing, full of guilt.

4 reasons why unbiblical dating situations exist. (38:36)

  1. People who are ignorant of God’s word and blindly following the culture.
  2. People who just have no regard for God and the best for their “partner”.
  3. People wanting to be in a marriage-like relationship who are not ready/willing to be married and have the responsibility/commitment that comes with the reward of physical intimacy.
    1. If you want to do what married people do – get married!
    2. When I say “ready for marriage” I mean he is ready to be married today or in the very near future.
    3. This also means you are ready to start a family as this is the natural result of marriage.
    4. Unless you plan on robbing yourself of rewards by preventing yourselves from having children.
    5. If a man starts something with a lady “for marriage” but his answer to “when do you want to be married” is “I don’t know”. Then he is NOT ready for marriage.
  4. Delaying marriage unnecessarily for study or planning a large celebration
    1. I would submit that this is the same situation as above and really you’re not ready to get married and shouldn’t have entered into a ‘serious’ relationship just yet.
    2. Weddings don’t take years to execute so shouldn’t delay marriage that long.
      1. eg. Gershon/Christine’s wedding was organised within a few months
      2. In this situation you’re no longer boyfriend/girlfriend but fiancées
    3. Not a good situation to be in for too long because the temptation to slip on your standards is greater
    4. People are on high alert when they’re not sure they will get married but relax more when engaged – it should be the opposite
    5. If you do have to delay the wedding date I think it’s wise to limit your time together. Or just spend very little time together until your wedding day.
    6. Get busy with work or serving the Lord to replace the time you spent together and you will look more forward to your marriage.

I never referred to Elizabeth as my “girlfriend”. That’s what others referred to her as, but I just referred to her as a girl I was getting to know. Then when we decided to get married she became my ‘fiance’.

Q: I’m currently in an unbiblical ‘relationship’, what should I do? (49:57)

  1. In the eyes of God, you’re not really in any legitimate relationship to begin with. You’re just close friends that may be doing things you shouldn’t be. Or putting yourself in dangerous situations you shouldn’t be putting yourself in.
    1. When you say “leave him/her” you’re really saying “allow other men to approach you or start getting to know other potential ladies” which should always be the case until you marry someone.
    2. Why would you reserve yourself for someone that has no commitment to you? That’s the whole purpose of marriage.
  2. The questions to think about is actually “should I enter into marriage with this person?”.
    1. You can get married
    2. You can end it. You may have made the decision harder for yourself by becoming so emotionally involved that now saying ‘no’ is more difficult, but it doesn’t change the decision process.
    3. You can start talking about marriage which will push it towards 1 or 2.

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